It is at the deepest level of our being that the potential for conflict exists.The social structure that we're
born into may or may not be sensitive to these inner-directed needs and interests. For example, you
may have been born into a family of extremely competitive athletes, but feel a passionate interest in
classical music or art. You may even have natural athletic ability, but no real interest in participating in
athletic events. Is there any potential for conflict here?
In a typical family, most members would put a great deal of pressure on you to follow in the footsteps
of your brothers, sisters, or parents. They do everything possible to teach you their ways and how to get
the most out of your athletic ability. They discourage you from seriously pursuing any other interests.
You go along with what they want, because you don't want to be ostracized, but at the same time, doing
what they want you to do just doesn't feel right, although everything you've learned and been taught
argues in favor of becoming an athlete. The problem is, it doesn't feel like who you are.
The conflicts that result from what we're taught about who we're supposed to be and the feeling that
resonates at the deepest levels of our being is not at all uncommon. I would say that many, if not most
people, grow up in a family and cultural environment that gives little, if any, objective, nonjudgmental
support to the unique ways in which we feel compelled to express ourselves. This lack of support is not
simply an absence of encouragement. It can be as deep as the outright denial of some particular way in
which we want to express ourselves. For example, let's look at a common situation: A toddler, who for
the first time in his life, notices "this thing," which we call a vase, on the coffee table. He is curious,
which means there's an inner force that's compelling him to experience this object. In a sense, it's as if
this force creates a vacuum in his mind that has to be filled with the object of his interest. So, he
focuses on the vase, and, with deliberate intent, crawls across the vast expanse of the living room floor
to the coffee table. When he gets there, he reaches up to the edge of the table to pull himself to his feet.
With one hand firmly on the table to maintain his balance, his other hand reaches out to touch this thing
he has never experienced. Just at that moment, he hears a scream from across the room, "NO! DON'T
TOUCH THAT!"
Startled, the child falls back on his butt, and begins to cry. Obviously, this is a very common
occurrence and one that is completely unavoidable. Children have absolutely no concept of how they
can injure themselves or how valuable something like a vase can be. In fact, learning what is safe and
what isn't and the value of things are important lessons the child must learn. However, there are some
extremely important psychological dynamics at work here that have a direct effect on our ability to
create the kind of discipline and focus necessary to trade effectively later in life.
What happens when we're denied the opportunity to express ourselves in the way we want to, or we're
forced to express ourselves in a way that doesn't correspond with the natural selection process?
The experience creates an upset. Being "up-set" implies an imbalance. But what exactly is out of
balance? For something to be out of balance, there has to be something that's in balance or in equal
proportion in the first place. That something is the relative degree of correspondence that exists
between our inner, mental environment and the exterior environment where we experience our lives. In
other words, our needs and desires are generated in our mental environment, and they are fulfilled in
the exterior environment . If these two environments are in correspondence with one another, we're in a
state of inner balance and we feel a sense of satisfaction or happiness. If these environments are not in
correspondence, we experience dissatisfaction, anger, and frustration, or what is commonly referred to
as emotional pain.
Now, why would not getting what we want or being denied the freedom to express ourselves in some
particular way cause us to experience emotional pain? My personal theory is that needs and desires
create mental vacuums. The universe in which we live has a natural tendency to not tolerate a vacuum
and moves to fill it, whenever one exists. (The philosopher Spinoza observed centuries ago that,
"Nature abhors a vacuum.")
Suck the air out of a bottle and your tongue and lips will stick to the mouth of the bottle, because you
have created an imbalance (a vacuum), which now must be filled. What are the dynamics behind the
expression "Necessity is the mother of all invention"? The recognition that a need creates a mental
vacuum that the universe will fill with inspiring thoughts (if your mind is receptive). The thoughts, in
turn, can inspire movement and expression that result in the fulfillment of that need.
In this respect, I think our mental environment works like the universe at large. Once we recognize a
need or desire, we move to fill the vacuum with an experience in the exterior environment. If we are
denied the opportunity to pursue the object of this need or desire, it literally feels as if we are not
whole, or that something is missing, which puts us into a state of imbalance or emotional pain. (Do our
minds also abhor a vacuum, once one has been created?) Take a toy away from a child who is not
finished playing with it (regardless of how good your reasons may be for doing so) and the universal
response will be emotional pain.
By the time we're 18 years old, we've been on Earth approximately 6,570 days. On average, how many
times per day does the typical child hear statements like:
"No, no, you can't do that."
"You can't do it that way. You have to do it this way."
"Not now; let me think about it."
"I'll let you know."
"It can't be done."
"What makes you think you can do it?"
"You have to do it. You have no choice."
These are just a few of the relatively nice ways in which all of us are denied individual expression as
we grow up. Even if we only heard such statements once or twice a day, that still adds up to several
thousand denials by the time we reach adulthood.
I call these lands of experiences "denied impulses" to learn— impulses that are based on an inner need,
originating from the deeper part of our identity, from the natural selection process.
What happens to all of these impulses that have been denied and left unfulfilled? Do they just go away?
They can, if they are reconciled in some way: if we do something, or someone else does something, to
put our mental environment back into balance. What can put our mental environment back into
balance? There are a number of techniques.
The most natural one, especially for a child, is simply to cry. Crying is a natural mechanism (nature's
way) for reconciling these denied, unfulfilled impulses. Scientific researchers have found tears to be
composed of negatively charged ions. If allowed to take its natural course, crying will expel the
negatively charged energy in our minds and bring us back to a state of balance, even though the
original impulse was never fulfilled.
The problem is that, most of the time, events are not allowed to take their natural course and the denied
impulses are never reconciled (at least, not while we're still children). There are many reasons why
adults don't like it when their children (especially boys) cry, and do everything they can to discourage
this behavior. There are just as many reasons why adults will not bother to explain to children why they
are being forced to do something they don't want to do. Even if adults do try, there are no assurances
that they will be effective enough to reconcile the imbalance. What happens if these impulses aren't
reconciled?
They accumulate and usually end up manifesting themselves in any number of addictive and
compulsive behavior patterns. A very loose rule of thumb is: Whatever we believe we were deprived of
as children can easily become addictions in adulthood. For example, many people are addicted to
attention. I am referring to people who will do most anything to draw attention to themselves. The most
common reason for this is that they believe they either didn't get enough attention when they were
young or didn't get it when it was important to them. In any case, the deprivation becomes unresolved
emotional energy that compels them to behave in ways that will satisfy the addiction. What's important
for us to understand about these unreconciled, denied impulses (that exist in all of us) is how they
affect our ability to stay focused and take a disciplined, consistent approach to our trading.
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